I am sometimes ashamed at all the times I have berated and hated myself because I was fat. What crime is that? Why do I feel ashamed to put my best self forward. Never again. I will stop this hateful journey with myself this day.

It is a thousand points of anxiety that wake me at night and cause me to have a tachycardia attack which could descend into an out and out anxiety war within myself scary stuff. I feel like I am living jr's life what will he do out of high school? How can I help him in his life. Money flies out of my life at him and he finds a ton of ways to spend it. I know his life is not mine but he so impacts it all and I am scared for him eating is almost out of contro

I am what I feared most - an older fat, fat woman. I see my mom in my face and her waist line in my pictures. It is a sad day that I can not control what I eat. Sad. I head to Paris this fall as a fat woman. A scary, scarred, american fat woman.

now

Everyday I wake up and  think this is the beginning of a new way of living. I am not going to overeat. I am not going to be held in bondage by my love of food. my lust of food. I certainly do not need to eat as much as I do. I should be able to push myself away from the table, from the food, from my life, from me. I am sad. I have not given up yet. How can I be so strong in other areas of my life and not this area?

I am still hopeless. Thinking of food all the time. I am fatter now. Less accepting of myself. Disgusted at my belly. Part of me says to love myself, part says I am pathetic. Will it ever get better? Is willpower all I need and if so, where can I find it?