My eating is out of control. I go to bed every night and say that tomorrow will be the start of the rest of my life and by mid morning I am stuffing my fat, angry face with chocolate. I am pathetically weak when it comes to food and the worst part is that I do not exercise. I am so disgusted with myself I do not want to write anymore!

I've fucking done it! regained all the weight I lost and I hate myself and I am mad at my family. When will I learn that I can just not eat the way I used to eat? I am horrid. My gut is horrid and I have no, no, NONE, zero, ZIP will power. I am failure.

I was on the right track. Eating better, cutting back, feeling some of my energies returning. I had discovered a world of no sugar things to eat. Full of chemicals probably but NO sugar. i went to the doctor in January who said I had lost weight, a lot of weight. Oh no! He said it! If I hear it, I sabotage myself and put weight on. I eat and eat and eat. Chocolate chips melted on triscuit crackers. Ice cream. Cookies. Hershey's kisses. Why, oh why, do I sabotage myself this way?

What stresses me at this moment? Michael's wedding date of June 30th. Now I HAVE to go east and figure out the journey. Go home. Let people, family see how fat I am. Sorrow, bewilderment. How did this happen? When? Help. In this messed up tornado tossed world, I am saying help over the miseries of food issues. Eating too much. Being fat.

I suck miserably at losing weight. I bet everyone does if they are honest with themselves. I met a woman today that said she just had gastric bypass surgery two days ago. She looked great. I did not think she was fat. Oh sure, she was maybe 30 pounds over slim but she looked fine and normal. No way she said. She weighs 232 pounds, what two six foot men would weigh, she said. All around her belly and the doctor said that was dangerous and she said that was nuts. It would take two years for her to get the surgery in her native Canada with their medical system and she could not wait. She would not wait. She had tried everything to loose weight and just couldn't so she spent 17,000 dollars, cash and had the surgery here. What was wrong with me that I could not see she was fat? what was wrong with her that she would risk surgery and allow a doctor to slice her up to loose belly fat. Oh my god, what am I missing?

NO Changes

there have been no changes in my eating. i wake up and think of food. I think of food all day long. where to get a chocolate fix, where to have lunch, what to have for lunch. Am i sick and can I recover without help?

Hershey's Kisses are finding their way back into my life. They are my downfall and my comfort candy. I have been stressed so I reach for milk chocolate. My mom used to keep them hidden around the house and I think of that action was born my desire to over consume them when I have them. I feel so fine, mighty fine when I eat them. I block from my mind, the calories and fat and what i will look like in the mirror. The mighty condemning mirror. Will I move past this as summer stresses heat up like the temps outside my door. Don't know.

On another note, why when I feel sick like yesterday, which I am sure was from the sun and heat making me extremely dizzy, do I blame it on being fat? Sigh - I have also poisoned my way of thinking....

Huh?

Anxiety is ruling my life! I can not shut my mind off after a long day at the shop. Sleep is long but not smooth. There is always one more thing to do. I forget to breathe, to relax, to have a glass of water but I do not forget to overeat! All I want is food and xanax. Comfort and wooziness. Why can't I have it? Why does it end of being food that I turn to? I mentally list everything I have consumed for the day and think I have hurt myself. My body. My heart. Is this being a hypochondriac? I have no one I feel I can speak to about this. I say pull up your big girl panties, LOis, get on with it. But how can you get on with it when there is no stopping it?

I am working everyday to save payroll. I feel awful for everyone suffering in these economic times. I am all once stymied in helping adding to my self anger and anxiety. Sigh..........................