At work today, Kathy said that she did not consider leggings pants and that they also showed jiggly parts just like the sweatpants men wear in public. Ot must make her feel good to say mean things to me around other people. She was sitting in Diva when she said this. I hate making a comeback when there are other employees around and a potential customer or two. Somedays I am so frustrated with her and her seemingly ignorant baiting nasty ways. Bitch.

Right up until today, when I found the little bag of chocolates in my studio, I had done pretty well in the eating department. Watching what I eat, not heading out for candy on work breaks and not eating after 8, except for last night which was a Saturday night after all. A night I used to party during school, a night four family when I was previously married and a date night when I was no longer married. Now it is a TV night so it calls, doesn't it for some kind of treat?

I do know that my energy level increases when I eat carefully. I like that. I just have a difficult time ending a day and I can rush from thing to thing, place to place all day. I guess my clock will reset itself.

I am trying not to be harsh with myself but I am wicked cruel when evaluating my food failures. You would think after and honest to God lifetime of this overeating nonsense, I would have some idea of how to reign it in.

Whoa boy. Have I screwed up. I am totally, unbelievably, horribly overweight! I saw in the doctor's notes how much I weigh. I know it is just a number, a BIG number but everything about me is tied into it. I need to eat less. I need to give up chocolate and sweets and late night snacks and oh so much more. I don't want to feel deprived but for now and many, many months in the future, I must do just that, deprive myself. Damn! I hate having to watch what I eat. Misery.

I am sometimes ashamed at all the times I have berated and hated myself because I was fat. What crime is that? Why do I feel ashamed to put my best self forward. Never again. I will stop this hateful journey with myself this day.

It is a thousand points of anxiety that wake me at night and cause me to have a tachycardia attack which could descend into an out and out anxiety war within myself scary stuff. I feel like I am living jr's life what will he do out of high school? How can I help him in his life. Money flies out of my life at him and he finds a ton of ways to spend it. I know his life is not mine but he so impacts it all and I am scared for him eating is almost out of contro

I am what I feared most - an older fat, fat woman. I see my mom in my face and her waist line in my pictures. It is a sad day that I can not control what I eat. Sad. I head to Paris this fall as a fat woman. A scary, scarred, american fat woman.

now

Everyday I wake up and  think this is the beginning of a new way of living. I am not going to overeat. I am not going to be held in bondage by my love of food. my lust of food. I certainly do not need to eat as much as I do. I should be able to push myself away from the table, from the food, from my life, from me. I am sad. I have not given up yet. How can I be so strong in other areas of my life and not this area?