So I read the first novel of a young plump writer recently. Dietland. I liked it, sort of. The lust she expresses for food about three quarters of the way in, feels and sounds like me. Except for the baking. I do not bake anymore. Truth is, I have never really enjoyed baking but prepackaged cakes, cookies and candy. Shoot. I could eat them all day long! I liked her anarchist writing against men who demean fat women, physically attack women, rape women. How I think it would be cool to have an avenger to help erase the hurt, death, pain and mutilation that men afflict on women. Even women they purportedly love.  I liked that the woman at the center of the story, Plum came out of her shell and by the end of the novel had decided to live life now and not wait until she was thin. The story talked about the mutilating aspects of bypass surgery. How can a person even think of slashing into their body when one of the side effects of this surgical mutilation is death? Could be death. Death is better than being fat?

Just this morning I read on line of a new pill to make you thinner, have less appetite. There was no discussion of side effects or effectiveness, just a like our page post. People, mainly men, wrote mean things underneath in the comments about getting off your fat ass, shut your mouth, don't eat anything in a package. Why is fat the last, last cruel joke people play on themselves? Each other? Be fat. Claim yourself and if you do not want to be fat. Work it out. But for all those mean, evil, small minded butt wipes who think it is okay to insult someone who is different, f them.

I can not seem to do it. Stop eating chocolate. Today, work stressed me out when I thought of how slow it is and began to worry about sales and making a loving and paying the bills and having some huge bills coming soon - so I ate candy. Candy!! What am I - 10? I needed comfort to ease my troubles and I ate candy. Pathetic creature.

Here it is August and this was the month I was going to do without chocolate. I was going to try very hard, I am adding, to not eat the damn stuff. I am pathetically weak. It is my drug. I can not resist it. You could tell me anything horrible about, how much better I would feel without it, how it is hurting me in every part of my life and I would call bullshit. Everything about it makes me want it. The texture. The smoothness on my tongue. The ah, deep breath I take when I first consume it. I want all the chocolate until I am sick and then, even then I would feel better in a bit and begin again. First thing in the morning I think of it. Want it. Last thing at night I swear to myself I will do better tomorrow. I am losing. Just freaking losing it!

Tuesday, August 9th and other than have a big $ 12.99 salad from the Spruce for lunch; I silenced no cravings and in two days, ate an entire bag of Hershey kisses. I have no idea why. I get depressed when I am home alone with the dog working in my studio. I feel isolated, frustrated.... beats me. For tonight, I will go to bed and read surrendering to the loss of this day and I will stop beating myself up!

Last thought of the day - tomorrow will be better and I will eat less and silence the cravings. I will not eat chocolate I say. I will be strong. Pffft. I am lousy at doing any of it.

First thought of the day - I will be good today. I will not eat anything I shouldn't. I will be strong. I will rule my day. Not food. Pffft. I can't do that either.