I am home from a forced vacation in Utah and even though I could really have refused to go, it felt good to be someplace else for a few days that did not involve business. I was definitely out of my comfort zone and into eating all my comfort foods. Out of control is what I was and now, as I look at pictures from the trip I am sick. Sick of my chins, my fat body, my thick thighs and more. How did I come to be this way? My ass is the size of Kansas for God's sake! I can look at my body and see all the foods I love slathered on in the current outer coat of flesh I wear. I am sickened and all at once lazy. If I exercised would I be this way in ? No, most likely not as much of me would be making shade on the planet but I am lazy and it is so easy to climb back into bed or sit and make jewelry and watch tv. I am a lost cause tonight and I am sick when I think of the chins that surround my face.

Hopeless Eater

I have not posted here in a month. I have been sick from colds, stomach flu, cold again, coughs, weakness, no energy. Two visits to the doctor and I still felt miserable plus being foolish for spending money at the doctor. Is it my weight making me sick? I do not know! damn it! Anyhow, I am feeling stressed with a show coming up and now I am really screwing up on my food eating having slipped back into raisins from Elevated ice cream and eating them without end. They are soothing me and also making me feel repulsed with myself. I am having the bad dreams associated with failing miserably at shows and these nightmares bring me tachycardia which then scares me and makes me overeat again. You see I am a fat hypochondriac barley maintaining control over my eating and my life, and thinking where do I go from here? I am lost, a hopeless overeater.

I last published here a month ago and I have to say that I have been out of control since then. eating whatever, whenever I felt like it. Pretending that I do not see the back fat and rolls of belly fat one me. I am hopeless, feel hopeless and certainly now that I am so far outside the beauty norm, I feel hopelessly unattractive. So much has gone on this month. I lost Regina. I had then endless 4 week cold, felt better and now have another. I actually had to go to the doctor who then sent me a lab test sheet for blood sugar and that AC1 test or whatever it is. That has caused me great anxiety and what do I do with anxiety? I eat. I sit, watch tv and eat. Eat for comfort, love. Eat out of boredom, soul pain.

I think I made a weensie tiny step today although I spent most of the day in bed with this miserable cold- I threw out the pirate's booty white cheddar popped thingees. They can not tempt me anymore and I will not by them again. I just cannot have stuff like that in the house. I swear it calls to me until I eat it - all of it generally in the course of a day. I did not get rid of the chocolate eggs though - I ate those because I was sick and needed comfort and they were handy and chocolate is a BIG weakness of mine. A raging beast that must be fed chocolate lives inside me and surrenders to it, every time.

Hopeless is me. Lack of will power is my game. Having a cold, feeling doubly miserable, no exercise. Wah - wah!

Whoa

So my family went out of town for 5 days and I binge ate like tomorrow would not be coming. I ate to assuage my anxiety at being alone at night, of my dog's illness, of being a kid again with no one watching me. I ate because I was grown up and I had money and I could shop. I ate when others in the world could not. I ate without punishment. I ate with abandon and now... now.... I CAN NOT SEEM to STOP! Argh!
 What have I done/ I was doing so well/ can I do it again/ why did I do it again/ how will I stop/ the list goes on and on ad infinite.

I look at my belly. My big belly. There is no excuse. It is a week since my dog died. I am sad, sad, sad. I asked for chocolate covered raisins from the store. When they did not show up in the groceries, I thought I had dodged a self prescribed bullet but no - I found them! Hidden away on a shelf in the garage pantry. I have been eating them ever since. Self medicating my pain. I know I am doing it. Doesn't mean I can stop doing it anytime soon. Then the anxiety over the world. Can't even go there. Must find a way to help myself and think of others first. Lois is a loser today! Last week. Tomorrow.

I am lost again in a world of overeating and the inherent pain that it is causing my body. With no one else in the house for 5 days, I ate as if there was no tomorrow and indulged in a bounty of old friends - junk food friends. I am feeling hopeless like I will never have any will power. I am worthy but treat myself as if I am not. On the other hand I am beginning to be able to see when I reach for food as I enter into or leave a stressed out situation. Everyday I get a fresh start and can begin again but by lunch - I am lost again. Am I really as hopeless as I feel?

I am still stuck at the overeating of sweets stage. I swear, if I eat a bit and binge for part of a day as I did on Valentine's day I can not get back on track. I want to continue to eat. I lay in bed at night and tell myself how good and strong I felt when I was watching what I ate but nooooo, I still cannot stop. WTF is wrong with me? Was I so hurt in childhood so belittled for being fat when I was not that I can not give up on the idea even now at 54? FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK