I am still fat. Not miserably fat, but the kind of fat that I should change. I am guilty of overeating and not exercising. I can not join any kind of group here in town as I know everyone and I would be shamed and embarrassed. I am a  few days shy of a new birthday and I greet another year fat. Maybe I should not try and change. Maybe I should just be the same.

I am unbelievably fat. I hate it. I am stuck in it, with it. I saw a picture taken of me yesterday in a friend's freight truck cab and although I was bursting with excitement at being in the cab and pride at climbing up there; all I could think was how enormously fat I am. I should be happy that I am me, but no, I am miserable because I am fat. I have no will power. I sit on my fat ass after work and do nothing! No one who ever knew me before would recognize me now and people who know me now have not known me any other way. What to do? How to get it done? Damn, fucking fat me.

I went to the doctor late in the summer for a weigh in and blood sugar check. he said the words I wanted to hear and at the same time dreaded to hear. You have lost weight, quite a lot of weight. That triggered me eating again and here I sit months later so much fatter. I am mad, sad and starting again.

My eating is out of control. I go to bed every night and say that tomorrow will be the start of the rest of my life and by mid morning I am stuffing my fat, angry face with chocolate. I am pathetically weak when it comes to food and the worst part is that I do not exercise. I am so disgusted with myself I do not want to write anymore!

I've fucking done it! regained all the weight I lost and I hate myself and I am mad at my family. When will I learn that I can just not eat the way I used to eat? I am horrid. My gut is horrid and I have no, no, NONE, zero, ZIP will power. I am failure.

I was on the right track. Eating better, cutting back, feeling some of my energies returning. I had discovered a world of no sugar things to eat. Full of chemicals probably but NO sugar. i went to the doctor in January who said I had lost weight, a lot of weight. Oh no! He said it! If I hear it, I sabotage myself and put weight on. I eat and eat and eat. Chocolate chips melted on triscuit crackers. Ice cream. Cookies. Hershey's kisses. Why, oh why, do I sabotage myself this way?

What stresses me at this moment? Michael's wedding date of June 30th. Now I HAVE to go east and figure out the journey. Go home. Let people, family see how fat I am. Sorrow, bewilderment. How did this happen? When? Help. In this messed up tornado tossed world, I am saying help over the miseries of food issues. Eating too much. Being fat.