I am unbelievably fat. I hate it. I am stuck in it, with it. I saw a picture taken of me yesterday in a friend's freight truck cab and although I was bursting with excitement at being in the cab and pride at climbing up there; all I could think was how enormously fat I am. I should be happy that I am me, but no, I am miserable because I am fat. I have no will power. I sit on my fat ass after work and do nothing! No one who ever knew me before would recognize me now and people who know me now have not known me any other way. What to do? How to get it done? Damn, fucking fat me.

I went to the doctor late in the summer for a weigh in and blood sugar check. he said the words I wanted to hear and at the same time dreaded to hear. You have lost weight, quite a lot of weight. That triggered me eating again and here I sit months later so much fatter. I am mad, sad and starting again.