Oh shit, the stress eating has begun! I was so good, I hate that description of not overeating, today and then tonight watching an old movie with my dh, all I wanted was potato chips and garlic cream cheese dip. He made some for me. Wonderful, my loving enabler. I must have him totally confused and bamboozled, saying no and yes to him in alternating three second micro bursts. Nothing even tasted very good but I am stressed for the " big show" coming up. My anxieties can get control of me and instead of walking or exercising, I respond with food. It's like throwing oil on a fire! For pity's sake I need to get a grip and stop myself!!!

Shit

I ate two slices of cake tonight. My favorite cake, white with milk chocolate frosting made out of a box and a can. My son made it. He likes to bake and cook and is just beginning to dip his toe into the wonderful world of preparing food. I want to encourage him at the tender age of 14 while at the same time I berate myself for consuming, eagerly, what he has made. Tonight, I had to eat that cake - twice. It has been since last November that I have had cake. I sooooo enjoyed every bite of it, quickly eating the white part and savoring the frosting at the last. I am not too disappointed in my behavior. I enjoyed the cake and the trick will be to not eat the rest tomorrow while my sweet boy is in school.

The last two days have been better. Not so much going on in the overeating category, thankfully. I will never be able to have a normal relationship with food. I like to eat, binging on foods I love. It is so hard to say no, no, no and feel deprived. I would like to loose 100 plus pounds. OMG! That is a lot of fat I am admitting I want to be rid of. It is another way to say just how big, fat and flabby, I have become. One hundred pounds. 100! 100! I would love to feel jeans on my body again. To wear a shirt that is not a tunic so that it covers my butt. However, I do not see myself as fat. I like my ass. In my mirror's eye I do not see a super fat woman. A woman I am busily depriving of some of her favorite things, all of which concerns food. I am in a mirrored room of food, seeing it, but not being able to touch it or taste it or have it.

Torture

My husband sits in the chair across from me in the living room eating loud, crunchy pita chips. It is torture for me. And I do not even like pita chips. Just knowing and hearing that he is eating a snack when I am trying to be determined and NOT eat in the evening hours is absolute torture.

I know what I weigh. I am shocked, saddened, disturbed, appalled and sick by it. I am 100 pounds more at this moment than I was when I became pregnant with my oldest son. How did this happen? How can I eat food, lust for food and not know or be aware of the consequences when I consume the food? Why does food seem much more appealing to me than others? I am in a cycle of lust. Caught up in all my desires to eat. I am trying to have will power while the crunching goes on just four feet from me. Is this a form of sabotage? Is it a test of my resolve? I already know I have neither willpower or resolve when it comes to food. I am feeling like a loser......

Day Two

Will it be better today? This constant thinking of food. I crave chocolate, lust for a cookie, want a croissant. Like being taken over by deep want, this food addiction runs my day. I had an argument with my spouse last night. We very rarely argue, mostly we kibbitz at each other but last night, I wanted to leave. I did drive off sanely, rationally and even thought of getting a hotel room. Yep, I was going to spend the night away. My locker at work held a change of clothes and toiletries. I was oddly peaceful, thinking this is the change I am going for but honestly, what was I thinking as I drove downtown? Where would I eat breakfast and what would I have? No issues were resolved here or there. My heart in a medium size way was breaking, I was mad, hurt, sad and I thought of food. When will my thoughts heal and turn to something else? This has to be the result of food being my go to friend as a chubby kid and as a lonely adult. Will things change? Will today be better? Already I am thinking of taking my child, as promised to the ice cream parlor after school today for that good report card...... sigh.... knock head against wall here. You know I am going to eat ice cream, don't you? Don't I?

just beginning

This is a personal story of a girl who was once thin in her young barely there years and has slowly but surely, steadily with little to no thought, gotten fatter and fatter until her legs can not cross, her joints ache and she is beginning to awake and see the changes that must be reluctantly made. I am mad that I have to give up something I enjoy so much at all stages of my life and at all hours of my day, eating. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, lonely, needy, and sick. I think of food first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I think of it in lieu of the sadness I feel in my heart for that lost girl of so long ago. I thought I was fat then, was told I was fat then but man, they should see me now! Fat was put into my head then and I grew into it. Should I be mad at them? Sad? Resigned? I have directed the anger at me as I have wrapped myself in this safe cocoon of fat. I am almost impenetrable. And if I am so hard to get into and through, why do I still submit to the urges and feelings that cause me to overeat?

I am going to talk my way into my head. This is me talking to me to figure out what went wrong and when and why. Who besides me, has hurt me so deeply that I need a layer of fat, a BIG layer of fat to insulate me? Why does everything from then still hurt now and why does the hurt from now continue to throb and blister so that food is my comfort. Sucks to be me tonight!