I suck miserably at losing weight. I bet everyone does if they are honest with themselves. I met a woman today that said she just had gastric bypass surgery two days ago. She looked great. I did not think she was fat. Oh sure, she was maybe 30 pounds over slim but she looked fine and normal. No way she said. She weighs 232 pounds, what two six foot men would weigh, she said. All around her belly and the doctor said that was dangerous and she said that was nuts. It would take two years for her to get the surgery in her native Canada with their medical system and she could not wait. She would not wait. She had tried everything to loose weight and just couldn't so she spent 17,000 dollars, cash and had the surgery here. What was wrong with me that I could not see she was fat? what was wrong with her that she would risk surgery and allow a doctor to slice her up to loose belly fat. Oh my god, what am I missing?

NO Changes

there have been no changes in my eating. i wake up and think of food. I think of food all day long. where to get a chocolate fix, where to have lunch, what to have for lunch. Am i sick and can I recover without help?

Hershey's Kisses are finding their way back into my life. They are my downfall and my comfort candy. I have been stressed so I reach for milk chocolate. My mom used to keep them hidden around the house and I think of that action was born my desire to over consume them when I have them. I feel so fine, mighty fine when I eat them. I block from my mind, the calories and fat and what i will look like in the mirror. The mighty condemning mirror. Will I move past this as summer stresses heat up like the temps outside my door. Don't know.

On another note, why when I feel sick like yesterday, which I am sure was from the sun and heat making me extremely dizzy, do I blame it on being fat? Sigh - I have also poisoned my way of thinking....

Huh?

Anxiety is ruling my life! I can not shut my mind off after a long day at the shop. Sleep is long but not smooth. There is always one more thing to do. I forget to breathe, to relax, to have a glass of water but I do not forget to overeat! All I want is food and xanax. Comfort and wooziness. Why can't I have it? Why does it end of being food that I turn to? I mentally list everything I have consumed for the day and think I have hurt myself. My body. My heart. Is this being a hypochondriac? I have no one I feel I can speak to about this. I say pull up your big girl panties, LOis, get on with it. But how can you get on with it when there is no stopping it?

I am working everyday to save payroll. I feel awful for everyone suffering in these economic times. I am all once stymied in helping adding to my self anger and anxiety. Sigh..........................

Scary Fat

I am the kind of fat that I hate. A sloppy fat. The kind where your chin rolls three times into your neck and the waist band of your pants receives a roll of fat above and below it. I am misdirected again. I was so " GOOD " for the briefest of times in what I ate. I am now at a loss of self again. Shit! I am tired of fat but not tired of the food that makes me that way!

I am home from a forced vacation in Utah and even though I could really have refused to go, it felt good to be someplace else for a few days that did not involve business. I was definitely out of my comfort zone and into eating all my comfort foods. Out of control is what I was and now, as I look at pictures from the trip I am sick. Sick of my chins, my fat body, my thick thighs and more. How did I come to be this way? My ass is the size of Kansas for God's sake! I can look at my body and see all the foods I love slathered on in the current outer coat of flesh I wear. I am sickened and all at once lazy. If I exercised would I be this way in ? No, most likely not as much of me would be making shade on the planet but I am lazy and it is so easy to climb back into bed or sit and make jewelry and watch tv. I am a lost cause tonight and I am sick when I think of the chins that surround my face.

Hopeless Eater

I have not posted here in a month. I have been sick from colds, stomach flu, cold again, coughs, weakness, no energy. Two visits to the doctor and I still felt miserable plus being foolish for spending money at the doctor. Is it my weight making me sick? I do not know! damn it! Anyhow, I am feeling stressed with a show coming up and now I am really screwing up on my food eating having slipped back into raisins from Elevated ice cream and eating them without end. They are soothing me and also making me feel repulsed with myself. I am having the bad dreams associated with failing miserably at shows and these nightmares bring me tachycardia which then scares me and makes me overeat again. You see I am a fat hypochondriac barley maintaining control over my eating and my life, and thinking where do I go from here? I am lost, a hopeless overeater.

I last published here a month ago and I have to say that I have been out of control since then. eating whatever, whenever I felt like it. Pretending that I do not see the back fat and rolls of belly fat one me. I am hopeless, feel hopeless and certainly now that I am so far outside the beauty norm, I feel hopelessly unattractive. So much has gone on this month. I lost Regina. I had then endless 4 week cold, felt better and now have another. I actually had to go to the doctor who then sent me a lab test sheet for blood sugar and that AC1 test or whatever it is. That has caused me great anxiety and what do I do with anxiety? I eat. I sit, watch tv and eat. Eat for comfort, love. Eat out of boredom, soul pain.

I think I made a weensie tiny step today although I spent most of the day in bed with this miserable cold- I threw out the pirate's booty white cheddar popped thingees. They can not tempt me anymore and I will not by them again. I just cannot have stuff like that in the house. I swear it calls to me until I eat it - all of it generally in the course of a day. I did not get rid of the chocolate eggs though - I ate those because I was sick and needed comfort and they were handy and chocolate is a BIG weakness of mine. A raging beast that must be fed chocolate lives inside me and surrenders to it, every time.

Hopeless is me. Lack of will power is my game. Having a cold, feeling doubly miserable, no exercise. Wah - wah!

Whoa

So my family went out of town for 5 days and I binge ate like tomorrow would not be coming. I ate to assuage my anxiety at being alone at night, of my dog's illness, of being a kid again with no one watching me. I ate because I was grown up and I had money and I could shop. I ate when others in the world could not. I ate without punishment. I ate with abandon and now... now.... I CAN NOT SEEM to STOP! Argh!
 What have I done/ I was doing so well/ can I do it again/ why did I do it again/ how will I stop/ the list goes on and on ad infinite.

I look at my belly. My big belly. There is no excuse. It is a week since my dog died. I am sad, sad, sad. I asked for chocolate covered raisins from the store. When they did not show up in the groceries, I thought I had dodged a self prescribed bullet but no - I found them! Hidden away on a shelf in the garage pantry. I have been eating them ever since. Self medicating my pain. I know I am doing it. Doesn't mean I can stop doing it anytime soon. Then the anxiety over the world. Can't even go there. Must find a way to help myself and think of others first. Lois is a loser today! Last week. Tomorrow.

I am lost again in a world of overeating and the inherent pain that it is causing my body. With no one else in the house for 5 days, I ate as if there was no tomorrow and indulged in a bounty of old friends - junk food friends. I am feeling hopeless like I will never have any will power. I am worthy but treat myself as if I am not. On the other hand I am beginning to be able to see when I reach for food as I enter into or leave a stressed out situation. Everyday I get a fresh start and can begin again but by lunch - I am lost again. Am I really as hopeless as I feel?

I am still stuck at the overeating of sweets stage. I swear, if I eat a bit and binge for part of a day as I did on Valentine's day I can not get back on track. I want to continue to eat. I lay in bed at night and tell myself how good and strong I felt when I was watching what I ate but nooooo, I still cannot stop. WTF is wrong with me? Was I so hurt in childhood so belittled for being fat when I was not that I can not give up on the idea even now at 54? FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Valentine's Day....

.... has come and gone but not my addiction that was rekindled this day for chocolates and sweets. I am a maniac now and can not seem to stop eating it! Out of control , crashing, crashing.... can not seem to divert myself from this disaster!

Oh shit, the stress eating has begun! I was so good, I hate that description of not overeating, today and then tonight watching an old movie with my dh, all I wanted was potato chips and garlic cream cheese dip. He made some for me. Wonderful, my loving enabler. I must have him totally confused and bamboozled, saying no and yes to him in alternating three second micro bursts. Nothing even tasted very good but I am stressed for the " big show" coming up. My anxieties can get control of me and instead of walking or exercising, I respond with food. It's like throwing oil on a fire! For pity's sake I need to get a grip and stop myself!!!

Shit

I ate two slices of cake tonight. My favorite cake, white with milk chocolate frosting made out of a box and a can. My son made it. He likes to bake and cook and is just beginning to dip his toe into the wonderful world of preparing food. I want to encourage him at the tender age of 14 while at the same time I berate myself for consuming, eagerly, what he has made. Tonight, I had to eat that cake - twice. It has been since last November that I have had cake. I sooooo enjoyed every bite of it, quickly eating the white part and savoring the frosting at the last. I am not too disappointed in my behavior. I enjoyed the cake and the trick will be to not eat the rest tomorrow while my sweet boy is in school.

The last two days have been better. Not so much going on in the overeating category, thankfully. I will never be able to have a normal relationship with food. I like to eat, binging on foods I love. It is so hard to say no, no, no and feel deprived. I would like to loose 100 plus pounds. OMG! That is a lot of fat I am admitting I want to be rid of. It is another way to say just how big, fat and flabby, I have become. One hundred pounds. 100! 100! I would love to feel jeans on my body again. To wear a shirt that is not a tunic so that it covers my butt. However, I do not see myself as fat. I like my ass. In my mirror's eye I do not see a super fat woman. A woman I am busily depriving of some of her favorite things, all of which concerns food. I am in a mirrored room of food, seeing it, but not being able to touch it or taste it or have it.

Torture

My husband sits in the chair across from me in the living room eating loud, crunchy pita chips. It is torture for me. And I do not even like pita chips. Just knowing and hearing that he is eating a snack when I am trying to be determined and NOT eat in the evening hours is absolute torture.

I know what I weigh. I am shocked, saddened, disturbed, appalled and sick by it. I am 100 pounds more at this moment than I was when I became pregnant with my oldest son. How did this happen? How can I eat food, lust for food and not know or be aware of the consequences when I consume the food? Why does food seem much more appealing to me than others? I am in a cycle of lust. Caught up in all my desires to eat. I am trying to have will power while the crunching goes on just four feet from me. Is this a form of sabotage? Is it a test of my resolve? I already know I have neither willpower or resolve when it comes to food. I am feeling like a loser......

Day Two

Will it be better today? This constant thinking of food. I crave chocolate, lust for a cookie, want a croissant. Like being taken over by deep want, this food addiction runs my day. I had an argument with my spouse last night. We very rarely argue, mostly we kibbitz at each other but last night, I wanted to leave. I did drive off sanely, rationally and even thought of getting a hotel room. Yep, I was going to spend the night away. My locker at work held a change of clothes and toiletries. I was oddly peaceful, thinking this is the change I am going for but honestly, what was I thinking as I drove downtown? Where would I eat breakfast and what would I have? No issues were resolved here or there. My heart in a medium size way was breaking, I was mad, hurt, sad and I thought of food. When will my thoughts heal and turn to something else? This has to be the result of food being my go to friend as a chubby kid and as a lonely adult. Will things change? Will today be better? Already I am thinking of taking my child, as promised to the ice cream parlor after school today for that good report card...... sigh.... knock head against wall here. You know I am going to eat ice cream, don't you? Don't I?

just beginning

This is a personal story of a girl who was once thin in her young barely there years and has slowly but surely, steadily with little to no thought, gotten fatter and fatter until her legs can not cross, her joints ache and she is beginning to awake and see the changes that must be reluctantly made. I am mad that I have to give up something I enjoy so much at all stages of my life and at all hours of my day, eating. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, lonely, needy, and sick. I think of food first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I think of it in lieu of the sadness I feel in my heart for that lost girl of so long ago. I thought I was fat then, was told I was fat then but man, they should see me now! Fat was put into my head then and I grew into it. Should I be mad at them? Sad? Resigned? I have directed the anger at me as I have wrapped myself in this safe cocoon of fat. I am almost impenetrable. And if I am so hard to get into and through, why do I still submit to the urges and feelings that cause me to overeat?

I am going to talk my way into my head. This is me talking to me to figure out what went wrong and when and why. Who besides me, has hurt me so deeply that I need a layer of fat, a BIG layer of fat to insulate me? Why does everything from then still hurt now and why does the hurt from now continue to throb and blister so that food is my comfort. Sucks to be me tonight!