Torture

My husband sits in the chair across from me in the living room eating loud, crunchy pita chips. It is torture for me. And I do not even like pita chips. Just knowing and hearing that he is eating a snack when I am trying to be determined and NOT eat in the evening hours is absolute torture.

I know what I weigh. I am shocked, saddened, disturbed, appalled and sick by it. I am 100 pounds more at this moment than I was when I became pregnant with my oldest son. How did this happen? How can I eat food, lust for food and not know or be aware of the consequences when I consume the food? Why does food seem much more appealing to me than others? I am in a cycle of lust. Caught up in all my desires to eat. I am trying to have will power while the crunching goes on just four feet from me. Is this a form of sabotage? Is it a test of my resolve? I already know I have neither willpower or resolve when it comes to food. I am feeling like a loser......